was really in a sour mood today, tt is after getting my SATS score. sure, i expected a horrid result since i had the thought of annulling my score after taking the test (what stopped me was the thot of wasting $$ which i wasted in the end...), but i guess, after recieving my scores, i was still shocked and horrified cuz i had certain expectations after getting a good score after doing a practise paper.

no one seemed to understand... i wasn't so mad at first, but some classmates just had to keep asking even when i said don't ask... then they started saying things like, "i bet he got 1590, tt's y so pissed" and stuff like tt... gosh, tt's just so irritating.

the thing is things haven't been going rite for me the whole year, this year at least. i have been ill every fencing competition there was (and there's one tmr, though i'm not taking part, i'm ill again), and it affected my stamina if anything la. then of course, i was fine before SATS, and it just happened tt during the 3rd section, piercing pain shot through my ear... for 2 sections, i was distracted... tt just sucked, cuz i couldn't concentrate. and after tt, though the pain wasn't so bad, i was just discouraged and giving up... my bad i guess. my point is tt, i've just been so discouraged this year... everytime i've got a chance to regain my shattered self-confidence, i fall... haha, it just feels sucky... this is not something i can control rite? just feels like i'm at a disadvantage before i even start... discouraged and frustrated i was today... but more importantly, angry at myself for being so weak, getting discouraged so easily.

yeah, and the thing abt classmates saying those things? haha... its just stressful... its like they expect me to do well, and when i do, its fine... however, when i dun, it just becomes awful. embarrassing and i just feel sucky la, cuz its like u didn't meet expectations.

and all those pple trying to console me by saying tt everyone else is getting scores like this.. well, dun think u understand me at all... haha, i have expectations of myself. and just cuz pple around me aren't performing well, it doesn't mean i'll satisfy for something less. haha... nick, i think u r rite... too much of u has rubbed onto me... :p i will get the self confidence tt used to be a part of me back... and more importantly, find tt fight in me which i've lost somewhere along the way last year...

well, since i know i can do better, i'll just try again and do it!

thanks alot to aaron, wk, jl, nick, yx and anyone else who tried to encourage me today... sorry for being such a sour boy... haha